Wander Girl

Unfortunately, the partially wrong diagnosis lasted a few years, during which time I underwent a number of medicinal trials and errors to try to get me a medicine that worked. I started on Prednisone, which is a steroid meant to treat acute cutaneous lupus. However, the only thing that medicine did for me was swell my face, make me unbearably hungry all the time, and left open sores on my hands, face and at times ears. It was not only a miserable treatment, but it was also the wrong one. I remember going into to work at the Deseret Book Bakery in the University Mall while I was taking the medicine and feeling so uncomfortable with how I looked. It hurt for me to put on gloves, I was serving rolls and treats to people with open sores on my hands and face. It was humiliating. I eventually got an early morning cleaning job, which allowed me to be away from the crowds and working on a skeleton crew before anyone was out and about.

It allowed me to hide away for a time.

I thought I was going to die before I turned 25.

The diagnosis was not explained to me well and I had learned that my grandfather died from the very disease I was currently battling. I became increasingly fearful, and I am certain I became more of a burden to my roommates than a joy to be around. I was constantly miserable and was happy to let others know of my plight. I felt useless, ugly and often as though I wouldn’t even finish school, let alone live to get married and become a mother and have a productive life. For those who don’t know this has been my dream since I was a small child.

Sadly, during that time, I turned to outside sources to find happiness. I looked to toxic relationships, and situations. Through a few bad relationships I was able to feel loved and accepted for time, which immediately ended when the relationship ended.

It was not true love and acceptance, rather it was lust, pushing of boundaries and a feeling of having nowhere else to turn that created a feeling of acceptance. There was nowhere else to go. No escape. No place for the never-ending love and acceptance that the Savior offers to each and every one of us.

Thank heaven the Lord does not forsake us in our trials, errors or mistakes. He allows us to learn and then swoops in, often through others, to save us from ourselves.

The end of the relationships, whether friendly or “romantic” was never what I thought I wanted, but absolutely, always what I needed at the time.