But if Not…

This may be the most tear-filled love letter to myself yet. I started this blog as a way to tell my story and help others but, over time, it has become a way to remember and remind myself of the things going on in my life during specific time periods. Ironically, I never wrote about the “big” moment in my summer, so here you have it. In May, I blacked out twice while driving and was in two separate accidents within 15 minutes. As a result, I am in danger of losing my license, and my insurance is around 1000 a month. Needless to say, without a job, these things aren’t just a stumbling block any longer, but are a wall blocking my way of progress. Interestingly, the struggle has been ongoing for 15 years, and after fighting for that long, I’ve made the very hard decision to go home.

The name of this post comes from a talk about how, no matter the strength of our faith, things don’t always go as planned. Confidence in following the path you can’t see is the theme of the talk. I have tried so hard to make things work, and after all I can do, things are not working in Utah anymore, so I have made a choice that is far from where I thought I’d be. It’s leaving my friends, my brother, and my heart in Utah for a time and trusting that the plan He has for me is greater than the plan I have for myself. Its allowing everything to fall apart, in order for Him to pick up the pieces and put things back together.

There are so many things I had planned to do for myself when I came to Utah, and, while some things have worked out, many things have not. But that doesn’t mean I have failed. It means I have been tested and tried and now have to make a move that allows me to grow more in my faith of Him and His plan for me. I am hurting a lot right now, but I know in the end, if I allow Him to take over my life and lead me where He needs me, I will find a way to heal and find peace in His plan. If you feel lost in where your life is taking you, stop fighting His plan. Stop fighting your path and recognize Him as you travel your road to Emmaus. See the steps He is leading you on and how things, while they may not seem to be working, may actually be leading you to where you need to be.

If I can do it, you can too. Be strong and of good courage and He will lead you by the hand and give you answers to your prayers.